Guardian Angel
by somebody's secret
Summary: After Olivia's most recent hostage negotiation situation, she finds herself struggling to cope. Somehow she'll have to find the strength to heal from the ones she loves—namely Alex. This one-shot follows the most recent episodes of L&O:SVU.


**A/N: The most recent episode of L &O:SVU didn't sit quite right with me so I sat down and wrote this. Spoiler alert: I do mentioned a bit of the storyline from the episode so read at your own risk. And if you're like me and you didn't like the ending, I hope this makes it a bit better. **

* * *

Her thoughts were still with Rollins despite the fact that she was sitting on her couch at home. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply as she replayed the younger detective's words over in her head again. _But this lady has got two little girls, she's doing drugs, God knows what else, you know how hard it is for a woman to lose custody_ …

She had tried to argue back like she knew she naturally would've. She protected the victims no matter what. Drugs and alcohol didn't excuse rape. _Addiction is addiction, Rollins._ But her sentence came out with a bite to it. She was surprised when the normally attentive detective missed it. Did she want her to catch it? Did she want her to know? She blinked. Maybe her time off had weakened her observations.

 _Yeah but she has kids, you don't get to make those mistakes anymore._ That struck a nerve. Her thoughts flashed back to Noah in that moment and she tried not to let the hurt cross her features as she walked toward the elevator. She shrugged it off. _Okay._

But Amanda wasn't done and she knew it. _It's just not her life to ruin._ Her jaw clenched, her teeth grinding together much like they did during the night when her nightmares returned. _I hear you._ But she didn't want to. Talking about children, addiction, alcohol, ruining lives, it reminded her of her mother…and more recently, herself.

She fiddled with her wine glass for a second before emptying its contents, hoping for a night of nothing but sleep and destressing.

The feeling of her phone vibrating against the couch pulled her out of her thoughts and she glanced down at the familiar name before looking into the empty wine glass in her hands. She contemplated ignoring it for a second before deciding that she could use a pick me up.

"Hey," She whispered softly as she held the phone up to her ear, smiling at the prospective of the voice that she was about to hear.

 _"_ _Hey back Lieutenant,"_ Alex Cabot's voice husked through the phone. _"I missed you the last two times I called."_

"Court," She responded shortly, making it clear that it was a subject that she didn't want to discuss tonight. The sigh on the other end of the line told her that Alex knew just what she meant.

 _"_ _I certainly don't miss those days."_ She paused and Olivia guessed that she was probably trying to find another topic to broach. _"How's Noah?"_ She bit her lip as she glanced down at her iPad, looking at baby monitor currently recording the boy in question. She grabbed onto the half empty wine bottle, pouring another glassful into her glass.

"He's good. He's sleeping like a baby." She drank some more of the ruby liquid, wondering if the blonde heard her hesitation or the sound of alcohol pouring into her glass.

 _"_ _And how about you, Liv?"_ The question stopped Olivia dead in her tracks. She hadn't been called Liv in a long time and something about it just sounded right coming from the former ADA.

"Uh me? I'm fine," She quickly answered, bringing the glass back up to her lips and downing a bit too much.

 _"_ _Yeah?"_ Alex's response seemed suspicious.

"I took the mandatory time off, and..."

 _"_ _And Dr. Lindstrom?"_ Alex filled in for her. The hard hitting questions.

Olivia tried not to roll her eyes as she responded abruptly. "Yes, I'm seeing my shrink," She clarified, the annoyance obvious in her voice. The split second pause told Olivia that Alex knew it was a sensitive subject. One thing the ADA excelled at was taking social cues and switching topics when necessary.

 _"I'm about to go dine with the Mayor. I wish you were here."_

"Well that does sound like more fun," Olivia offered as she glanced down subtly at her glass before leaving it be. She had certainly missed the blonde since she had left almost a month prior for political reasons.

 _"_ _If only it was with you instead, Liv."_

"Raincheck?" She said it before thinking much, knowing that there was no way that the blonde would actually be seeing her tonight. Despite wanting to have Alex there next to her she figured it was best that she didn't see her with an almost empty bottle of wine next to her.

 _"_ _Of course."_

"Okay."

 _"_ _I love you, Liv. Call me tomorrow."_ The sound of Alex's voice almost broke her down. Could she tell? They had been apart for a month now; still together but apart from distance. Did that wear on their relationship?

"Okay. Me too. Bye." She pulled the phone away before she could hear Alex's response, canceling the call. With a forced smile she picked up her wine glass once more and downed the rest of the alcohol, not hesitating at all as she filled it up once more, emptying the bottle.

It was the first time she had purposely avoided Alex's sentiments and returned them without actually having to say 'I love you.' She felt too guilty in her current state. With that, she leaned back and began drinking, staring off into the distance while wondering what the hell was wrong with her.

* * *

Light pushed its way into Olivia's apartment and the lieutenant groaned in frustration, knowing that it must be morning already. She had finished the entire bottle in one sitting before passing out on the couch—that much she knew from the pressure in her head and the aching in her back. She used to be able to sleep anywhere but now, well, age was finally getting to her. With a gasp from pain, she turned onto her back and let out a heavy sigh once the pain subsided from her new position.

"You look like hell." Olivia jerked upright in a flash, pain shooting through her spine and forehead as her eyes opened and landed on a tall figure standing in front of the coffee table that still held her empty glass and bottle.

"Alex," She croaked out, her voice hoarse from crying the night before. She swallowed a couple of times in an attempt to regain moisture in her mouth while also ridding the disgusting after taste of alcohol after a night of sleep. "What are you doing here?"

"Checking up on you. Are you going to explain this?" Alex questioned as she picked up the empty bottle of wine and displayed it like evidence in a case she was about to win. Oh shit.

"It was a tough case." Alex raised an eyebrow and Olivia knew she saw right through her hopeless attempt to divert the topic.

"You're hungover, Olivia. That's a bit more than a tough case. A tough case is a few drinks at the bar with your fellow detectives. I thought you gave this up years ago?" Alex's accusations put the lieutenant on the defensive. She stood up as she shook her head and waved a hand at Alex as if to dismiss her.

"I'm allowed to drink, Alex," She scoffed as she walked out of the living room and toward Noah's room where she knew he'd be waiting for her since it was already seven.

"Yes, you're allowed to drink, Liv, but the entire bottle in a night? You haven't done that since…since Lewis!" Olivia spun around at the name, her eyes narrowing at the blonde, warning her silently but it went unheard. "You promised me that night that you showed up at my doorstep wasted that you weren't ever going to do this again."

"Yeah, well shit happens Alex," Olivia growled out as she turned her back to the blonde, instead going to her bedroom. Noah didn't need to hear them yelling. "Besides, this is different."

"What about this is different, Olivia? Huh? Because this looks exactly like that night except I wasn't around for you to fuck until you felt better about yourself!" She paused as Olivia stopped outside of her bedroom door. "Or am I going to find someone else in your bed?"

"Don't," Olivia warned as she shoved open her bedroom door, revealing the empty bed even though she had nothing to prove. She knew Alex was in this argument for a fight and wasn't going to be letting up anytime soon. "You're the one who leaves for an entire month to do God knows what with all your fancy politicians."

Alex froze as she studied the brunette. "You said it was okay," She whispered softly, Olivia's words obviously hurting her. "I asked you and you said you would be fine."

"Yeah, well I wasn't! Is that what you want to hear?" Olivia spun around as she yelled at the blonde. "I was held hostage. I had to listen as a young girl got raped inside the bathroom while I couldn't do anything! I had a gun held to my head for what felt like forever! One wrong move and I wouldn't be here Alex. Can you blame me for drinking? Can you blame me for thinking of Lewis?"

Alex bit her lip as she took a hesitant step over to the brunette, lifting up her hand to cup her cheek. "You could've told me, Liv. You know I would've taken the next flight back to you if you had just asked."

"And what? Be dependent on you?" Olivia whispered, sounding completely depleted. "Just because I'm miserable doesn't mean you need to be too, Al."

Alex offered her up a weak smile as she pushed the lieutenant's chin up a bit so that she could look her in the eye. "I signed up for this, sweetheart. It's part of being in a relationship. I love you, Liv and I don't want to see you going down that path again. The moment I heard you on the phone last night I knew something was wrong but I didn't…I didn't expect this."

Olivia sagged against the wall in defeat, allowing herself the comfort that Alex brought when she was simply near her. "I missed you, so much," Alex whispered as she leaned forward, breathing softly against the brunette's lips before pushing forward and connecting with the lips that she had been neglected of for far too long.

Olivia's hands pushed up against Alex's lower back, pulling her impossibly close and she kissed her back despite feeling like she had no right to touch something so angelic in her current state. For once her head felt clear as she kissed the blonde, running one hand under her shirt to caress bare skin.

Alex pushed gently against Olivia's chest breaking the kiss as she smiled at her. "God, you taste like stale alcohol," She teased, earning a small grin from the lieutenant.

"I'll go brush my teeth and shower so—" Alex cut her off with another prompt kiss on her lips.

"I don't want to wait that long." She guided Olivia off of the wall, allowing them both to slip into the bedroom before leading her backwards.

"Alex—I must reek like alcohol and I know how much that bothers you. At least let me clean up and shower before properly welcoming you home…" Alex grinned mischievously as she grabbed onto Olivia's blouse and popped all the buttons open before pushing it off of her shoulders. Her very wrinkled pants came off next along with Alex's shirt.

The brunette raised an eyebrow curiously. "What are you doing, Al?"

"I can't wait that long," Alex grumbled as she pushed her jeans down her legs and kicked her way out of them. "Let me help you clean." For once Olivia had no objections as she turned on the hot water and pulled Alex in with her, the blonde shrieking as the still cold water hit her back.

Olivia quickly turned them around, taking the brunt of the cold water as it quickly warmed up, pulling Alex's stiff body against hers. "I can't wait that long for the water to warm up," Olivia teased as she stepped back and pulled Alex with her, letting the hot water splash over her head.

She grinned as she pushed her blonde locks out of her face, smoothing them back before pulling Olivia toward her again, allowing the water to douse her hair. With a squirt of shampoo, she ran her hands through brown locks, massaging the soap into her scalp. "That feels good."

Alex stepped forward and kissed her as she pushed her back gently, allowing the water to wash over her hair. At the taste of shampoo, she pulled away and grimaced slightly before Olivia tilted her head back and let the shampoo run out of her hair completely.

"Do I smell better now?" Olivia questioned as she ran her hands over Alex's sides, smiling as she looked into her favorite pair of blue eyes.

"You look better, too," She commented sincerely as she grabbed onto the lieutenant's hips, pulling their bodies flush. "Are you feeling better?" Olivia shrugged as her eyes diverted to the tiled wall, suddenly examining the grout. "Baby, talk to me."

She chewed her lip for a moment before looking back at Alex. "I don't know, Al. I don't know what I'm feeling anymore. I have nightmares every night except the nights I'm wasted. The alcohol just puts me to sleep and it scares me because Noah had to wake me up one morning."

She paused as she looked away again, trying not to let the tears fall that she knew were threatening to do just that. "Can you imagine that? Having to walk in on your mom passed out on the couch from alcohol?"

"He's young, Liv. He's not going to remember."

"That's not the point," Olivia interrupted as she shook her head. "I remember having to wake my mom up from her drunken stupors. I remember hearing her throw up and I remember the putrid smell of alcohol. She ruined my childhood and alcohol ended up killing her. What if I do that to Noah? He doesn't deserve that."

"You're not going to do that, Liv. You're going to get through this and you're both going to be okay. I'm here now, alright? I'm not leaving even if the president of the United States calls me and wants me to fill in." That broke a small grin on Olivia's face.

"I just…yesterday during the case…the victim was drugged up, willingly. Rollins basically said she was a horrible mother for being addicted to something and that she was ruining her daughters' lives for that. I don't want to be like her, Al. I don't want to be an addict."

"You're not," Alex whispered as she cupped Olivia's face, wiping the single tear that had slipped out away and mixing it with the water. "Liv, look at me." Brown eyes met hers hesitantly. "You would do everything for that little boy and you know it. You're going to be okay. Even if it means increasing your sessions with Dr. Lindstrom and taking some more time off at work. And I'll be here, every step of the way."

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" Olivia questioned as she admired her own guardian angel.

"You let me in." Alex kissed her gently on the lips, meaning it as a loving gesture but the taste of her lover made her crave more. Olivia's hands quickly migrated to her hips and before she knew it, she was turned around and pushed up against the cold tile wall of the shower.

Neither said anything as they kissed desperately in an attempt to wash away their earlier argument, hands roaming and frantically grabbing at every inch of skin. Olivia slid her hands down the back of Alex's thighs and hoisted the blonde up before legs wrapped around her waist, locking behind her back.

The blonde began a slow rocking against the lieutenant's abdomen, her arousal obvious to her lover. Olivia pulled her closer, her hands cupping Alex's rear and massaging it as the blonde wrapped her arms around her neck and pulled her closer. "I missed you so much," Olivia whispered against Alex's cheek as she kissed her just beneath the ear while her hand trailed between Alex's legs.

"I know baby, I know." Alex ran her hands over Olivia's tense shoulders, massaging them slightly as the brunette stroked between her legs. With a sigh, she tilted her head back, allowing it to fall against the cold tile as Olivia's fingers slipped inside of her, her body instinctively clenching around the unfamiliar protrusion. A month away had certainly kept her body on edge.

"Liv…" Alex's right hand tightened around Olivia's shoulder as her left weaved into her hair, pulling Olivia's mouth down to her neck. She took the hint and kissed Alex's there, sucking at her sensitive skin as her fingers began to thrust in and out of the blonde's sodden core. "Liv…"

Olivia couldn't help but smile at the sound of her name falling from Alex's lips. Only she could elicit those little gasps and moans of pleasure from her. Only she had that right and she didn't ever want to screw it up. In that exact moment, she decided she'd sober up for not only Noah, but for Alex as well.

A few more strokes took the blonde over the edge easily, her body eager for release after a month of abstinence. The relieved moan that fell from her lips caused Olivia to slump against her body, enjoying the tremors rolling through Alex's body.

"I love you," Alex finally whispered as she opened up her eyes and gazed into her favorite brown ones. "I love you so much, Liv, and I never want to lose you. You know that right?"

The brunette could only nod as she kissed Alex softly, letting the blonde slide down her body. When Alex didn't completely disentangle from her, she looked at her curiously. Alex hitched her leg back up over Olivia's hip, lower now than she was before, and pushed her own hips forward, making her meaning clear.

The lieutenant rolled her hips forward slightly, confirming that she wouldn't be scraping Alex's lower back against the tile before beginning a rhythmic movement. Their centers pushed up in sync as Olivia grabbed onto the underside of Alex's leg, pushing it up slightly to get a better position.

They rocked together slowly before Olivia's pace turned frantic, desperate to take what she had missed from her lover. When her peak washed over her, she felt completely and totally relaxed for once, her mind clearing of all the haze. Alex grinned as she waited patiently for Olivia's eyes to open, her own orgasm not as intense as her first.

Brown eyes opened and Alex ran her hands through Olivia's wet locks. "I love watching you come," She admitted, immediately blushing when the words rang through her ears. Alex Cabot never spoke so bluntly. "Just watching the stress roll off of your body," Alex continued, feeling the need to correct her previous statement. "Especially when I'm the reason for it."

"You're always it for me, Alex." She carefully lowered Alex back down to the shower floor, flinching as the water pounded against the top of her head as she took a step back. "And I love you, too. I'm sorry I didn't say it last night." Alex merely shrugged. "No, Alex, I know I don't say it enough to you. It's just…I've never really said it to someone and meant it. I want you to know that I mean it, every time I say it and last night I felt like I couldn't say it because I was drinking away my pain instead of reaching out to you for help."

The blonde nodded in understanding as she grabbed onto Olivia's hand, tangling their fingers together. "We're in this together. Never forget that, even if things get rough. _Especially_ when things get rough. I will never walk out on you."

A quiet thudding against the door caused Olivia to turn abruptly toward the closed bathroom door. "Mama." She glanced back at Alex with wide eyes.

"Oops." Alex chuckled softly as she grabbed onto a towel and threw it over Olivia's shoulders.

"Go take care of your son, Lieutenant."

Olivia grinned as she quickly wrapped the towel around her body and stepped out of the shower. "He's going to be so excited that you're back, Alex."

The blonde smiled faintly. "Does he still remember me?"

Olivia paused as she reached for the door knob, instead looking back. "When we sit down for story time before bed he always brings your picture with him. Just yesterday he asked me where 'Allie' was and when she was coming back." Alex's smile grew as Olivia opened up the door and stepped out, closing to behind her. She could faintly hear Olivia talking to Noah about breakfast outside the door before their voices faded away.

Alex stepped into the kitchen in a pair of Olivia's sweatpants and t-shirt, grinning as a tuft of brown hair shot up to look at her. "Allie!"

"Hey buddy," Alex chirped as she walked over to him and ran her hand through his longer locks, noting that he needed a haircut. "I've missed you." She leaned down and kissed him on the forehead where she had swept back his hair. She inhaled his soothing scent and glanced back up at Olivia who was currently working on making pancakes for them.

Noah merely grinned back at her as he clasped his hands together. While he knew names and would sometimes use them, he wasn't often a man of words, rather a man of actions. It made both women smile.

"Smells like home," Alex commented as she walked over to Olivia and kissed the brunette on the cheek. "I've missed this. Never am I ever going to leave for that long again."

Olivia leaned against the blonde, bumping hips with her softly as she set the spatula down and turned completely to her. "I…I called Dr. Lindstrom. We're going to be meeting up twice a week now and I took this week off."

"Oh?" Alex looked at Olivia, noting that she had more to say.

"I figured it'd give us some time to catch up and we could both spend some quality time with Noah."

"Sounds like a perfect week to me," Alex agreed as she studied Olivia before grabbing onto her hand. "Hey, I'm here to stay," she reassured her once she realized that Olivia was holding something back.

"I uh, I called Cragen. He wants me to go to an AA meeting."

"That's great, Liv," Alex encouraged as she smiled back at the brunette, squeezing her hand reassuringly.

"Do you think…would you go with me for the first time?"

Alex nodded immediately, pulling Olivia closer to her as her free hand cupped Olivia's cheek. "Absolutely, Liv. I'd go anywhere with you."


End file.
